Dysfunctional Relationships
Being human comes with a pre-requisite - that we enter relationships. When I was a kid I received some advice from my mum about friendship that went like this - “ Mike, if you can count your true friends on more than one hand at the end of your life, you have done well”.
I think that this might have been foretelling some attrition in future relationships. Even great friendships can fade away, effort is required.
Maybe Western culture isn’t that supportive in this quest, individualism does have a price, and so does the lack of it.
You could argue that being part of modern culture can strip our capacity to be connected and functional to some degree and for some that might be actually true - Here’s a test. If you follow the Kardashians, watch the news more than once a day, don’t ever question ‘authority ‘ i.e. government, teachers, the dysfunctional boss, your narcissistic partner etc… you may have difficulty in actually even being an individual. Programming is real, thats why TV shows are called programmes.
The grand prise in relationship is retaining your individualism whilst in union, this is the holy grail.
Fear not ! - it is reclaimable it you feel that you have lost it. And from that reclaimed space your relationships will start to look and feel very different.
Exercising that choice is the next step - firstly remember that you are an INDIVIDUAL. Go to the dictionary if the meaning is vague or escapes you momentarily !. Refresh the concept.
The key tenant of individuality is that you have healthy boundaries - where you begin and end, and where others begin and end. This is important.
It’s the merging where things get blurred, especially the ‘individuals’ capacity to access their hard won individual library of experience, where the library card seems to get popped in the blender and bending to rules ( real or perceived, yours or anothers ) becomes the norm, and this is not so useful ultimately.
You may have correctly discerned from my comments that dysfunctionality in relationships has a direct relationship to an individuals boundaries and sense of SELF. Yes - and when I see you, I will work thru what that may look like in your circumstance.
Case Study: Married Italian female - had completely lost herself in service. This was a counselling session with some energy work tacked on to help release how her body was supporting the distortions in her personal life. It was a life changing session, it was a remembrance, of who she is. One session - boundaries restored, life changed.
Remembering and comprehending a sense of self was the key, and once i had reflected these to her she breathed a discernible sigh of relief and left with a renewed power about her. I checked in on her months later and she remained a much happier version of herself.
Boundaries have strong drivers in sense of self, and can get weakened through emotional attachments and expectations ( real or perceived).
The narcissist has different boundaries again - they include you. Every thing and body is an extension of them. Existing for their needs to be met. The ideal of another individual having meaning or independent worth is meaningless to a narcissist or sociopath. And most of them are very skilled at convincing you of just that.
Victims of these predatory characters have to literally delaminate themselves from these relationships. For some it’s like escaping a black hole.
Pro-active positive change in how you RELATE is measurable, and should be explored if you feel stuck within your circumstances. As you strengthen your boundaries and sense of self, others are compelled to relate in different ways. Some will resonate and enjoy you, others will resist.
So very many relationships are destined to suffer through loss of individuality, unhealthy boundaries and collapsing into each others stories. There are other ways, I promise you.
